Drowning

Wading into the pool, the coolness of the water soothed my burning feet. The heat of the day caused me to want to feel that coolness all over, yet I knew that beneath the surface, there was a strong current that would overpower me if I got in deep enough.
Slowly I edged in closer and closer, the coolness now up to my knees. I could no longer see my toes, for the murky water concealed them. I should go back now.
The next day, I went further. Up to my waist now, then my shoulders…
The coolness flooded my body, giving a sense of relief. The sun burned down on my head every day, but here was a solace. The icy water numbed my senses, I could no longer see what was happening where it covered me. I best go back now, before I got in too deep…
Day in day out, all I could only think of that coolness. I wanted to go back, to the place I knew danger lurked, but the sense calmness tempted me. The pressures of life burned my flesh, causing intense pain at times. I wanted to be numb, then the pain would stop. My broken heart could take no more.
Back in I went. Immediately working towards getting in so that it was over my shoulders. But this time would be different.
The current suddenly changed. I lost control as my feet could no longer feel the bottom. The water covered my head. Kicking, struggling, thrashing. No one saw me go into the water, and no one knew what happened. No one heard my cries, no one understood.
I was drowning.
Soon, I stopped fighting and let the waves wash over me. Waves of pain, of negativity, of bottled up hurt.
The mind became paralyzed, unable to feel, unable to think clearly. Life loses its point; the goal and mission become just another shadow in this prison. Deeper, deeper, the darkness envelopes one’s being, shadows taking over the light, burdens dragging you deeper, deeper.
Drowning in the sea of fog, the strange shapes mesmerizes. Shapes of delusions and lies. The will to live breaks and one merely accepts what happens, no longer caring about what happens, but maintaining a dull fascination with the shapes drawing you deeper, deeper. What happens will happen, what care should be bestowed upon it? The shapes change, and the perception of who I am changes with them. Who am I? Why am I here? Does any of this matter? Drowning, drowning, slowly…
One stops thinking because of the lack of care for anything. Just watch the murky shapes form from the depths… I don’t want to get out now, just watching, watching.
The urge to breathe has subsided, I contently rest in this prison. I don’t want to live, barely survive. The oxygen depleted from my blood, no struggle exists. If I fight, then I must live under the burning sun… Drowning, drowning…

Then, a jerk. Shaking me, hard. Seering pain… What happened?
I am alive, gasping for air. Someone pulled me out of the murky water. Diving into the depth for my useless and nearly dead body. Breathing life into me… but the pain! For so long, I could not feel, but now I feel! Lord, it hurts!
Who dared to pull me from the pit? Leave me be! Let me return to the depths, where no pain or joy exists. The shapes, where are they? I want to watch them yet again…
“No,” he declares, “You must live. Too long you have been there. You must feel and think. You have been given a mind, use it. You have been given a heart, let it beat. You were not meant to die, but to be.”
“But Lord, it hurts!”
“It hurts now, but what is that in the face of eternity? I have declared that you are to live, so live indeed. You must not go back there, lest you die.”
“Why have you created me? What sort of cruel pleasure do you hope to extract from me that I must live under the burning sun? Let me go! Let me go!”
“I breathed life into you. You will live because I AM. Would I have created something in My image only to destroy? Would I have formed your inward parts with delicate precision and beauty only to cut down and let burn? Would I have provided you with nourishment and loving-kindness only to utterly demolish you with fiendish glee?”
“But why, Lord, must the burning sun beat down on my tired flesh? Even if my soul is willing, the body is weak. I cannot stand. What purpose have you in this?”
“My grace is sufficient for you, child. You speak the truth when you say you cannot stand. I never made you to stand alone, but to seek rest in Me. My strength will carry you. Someday, the sun shall cease to burn, life will cease to be scorched. But for now, rest in Me. Let Me be your Refuge in times of trouble.
You chose to let the sun scorch you instead of running to Me. Just as you chose to go into the water I warned you of. You chose to try to make your own comfort in the form of numbness, and then you lost control. The current is too strong for you, you were not meant for this. If I had not rescued you, then death would surely follow.”
“Lord, if I am Yours, why did You let me stray?”
“You strayed because I let you make your choices, even if they are harmful. I then chose to rescue you from the pit of despair because you are Mine and I love you. If I restrained you from every error, then you would never learn to lean on me instead of your own understanding. It was your own reasoning that leads you to believe it was better to be numb than to be alive. Rest in Me and live.”
“What have I done? Bind this wondering heart to You, that I may never stray again! Be my vision that I may not be trapped in these delusions! My soul craves You, panting for Your presence. Why must my mind and heart be weak, that I stumble?”
” I have said it once, and say it yet again. My grace is sufficient for you. Your faults are not too great for my grace. You are weak, being human in the flesh, but lean on Me. Let Me carry you home. You are good because I live in you. No longer are you deprived or dead, I breathed My life into you.”
“Who am I to receive such mercy? A wayward child am I! This wondering heart is prone to wander. The pool calls for me even now. Lord, I trust You, help me to trust You more! I love You, help me to love You more! Help me to seek You when distressed and not go back. The temptation is great, may Your grace prevail.”

 

Note:
Although I have been down the road of depression before, and still struggle with the undesirable reoccurring negative thoughts, I know in the long term I shall have victory in Christ over them, for He pulled me out of the water when I was drowning in depression. Even though I didn’t want to get out, He saved me anyway because I am His. He will heal my soul from the needless scars and burdens I have carried. As long as I live in this realm, the waters inside me will rage, thrashing my weak body; yet He will save me from them because of His loving kindness. The delusions I shall learn to identify through a continued study in Scripture, testing them to see if they are from God or some aspect of twisted truth, refusing to be led by every emotion that passes through.